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March26
How hard can life be?Yea that’s the question that’s been frequent in my thoughts. My 4th semester officially kickstarted today and in no means, I am not looking forward towards the progression of the semester. My schedule is actually pretty demeaning, I have to wake up early in the wee morning just to prepare for my bus ride to college! 9am classes everyday? Yes, I’m officially gonna be SLIMMING DOWN already. I woke up at 8am this morning feeling extremely crabby, maybe because my internet connection was down yesterday or it’s just the knowing that I would have to wake early for class tomorrow. (not the best feeling ever)
I drove myself to college with my mum to take over the car once I’m in college and no thanks to my mum for making my already bad morning worse, she was nagging and criticizing as usual (can’t she just zip it for a moment?) and I wasn’t in the best mood to attend class, so throughout my first class and only class for the day, I was really quiet and moody (I’m just acting I’m happy to be in class, how pathetic of me)
After class (which was supposed to end at 11.30am due to an extension but canceled because the room was already booked by another class so it ended at 11am), I went to the foyer and saw my mum there so I went up to her and she gave me such a stare that made my bad mood even bad-der, I took her to the bursary to pay up for my college fees (and she was complaining that last semester’s payment wasn’t cleared and now another new semester to pay for) which made my mood even bad-der than bad-der. Honestly, if you aren’t willing to pay for my college fees, then stop paying already since it’s such a pain for you. I know for a fact that I studied my heart out to score well and I did not disappoint with my grades so stop complaining already! It really demotivates me, especially during my first day of the semester! I decided to sleep my stress off right after and I ended up sleeping from 12 noon till 6 in the evening. (this proves how stressed I am!)
Whatever I do is always criticized, I know I’m not the perfect daughter you’ve always dreamt of so enough of it already! I don’t wanna hear you complaining about my imperfections! I just can’t stand when she watches people on television, she’ll start critizing everything from the top to bottom! I don’t hate my mum, I’m not supposed to but with these circumstances where she’s bringing me down whenever I try to rise up high, it’s really tiring me out just to try and think positive of the things she said. As much as demeaning it is everytime, I try to find a positive outlook behind her words and the more I’m doing it, I’m getting more stressed. I’m the type of person who’s very particular with what people say, especially to me and about me. Semantic noise is very frequent but for me, I tend to really be sensitive towards the way a person speaks with their choice of words and tone. I seriously am fragile I guess? but I never show them my disliking because I have this thinking that I shall never be vulnerable in front of anyone. Even when I’m at home with people around, I cry in the shower or in my room with loud music overpowering my sobbing because, noone could hear me! I take pride in being strong in front of people.
I just hate the fact that people are always judging others without concerning their feelings. It’s a vicious cycle and I truly loathe it. So what if that someone is a BITCH in nature? So what if that someone is GAY? So what? Everyone is different, nobody’s perfect and who are we to judge someone whom we only know vaguely about? All we see is just the surface and not knowing the person beneath that certain exterior. I get judged all the time due to my quietness and cold looks, but I beg to differ, I am no SNOB. I may be defensive but that’s just human nature but honestly I’m the least confrontational because I hate arguing. I’ve learn to IGNORE everything that doesn’t please me and because of that, I’m called SNOB. Being confrontational, I’m called a drama queen/bitch but being an ignorant, I’m called a SNOB. How hard can life be?
I’ve always had bad alcohol and caffeine tolerance but for the past few months, I’ve been toying with both substances and it really helped me, like seriously. I’ve beginning to think maybe I should use alcohol as an escape route. Beg to differ please but I’m sure deep down you will agree yes alcohol does help is drowning in escapism. I have this feeling that, the longer I stay in college, the disliking for it grows as it progresses. I remember when I enrolled myself, I was so excited to begin something new, something so foreign yet intriguing for me. My first semester was stressful because it was my first time away from the comfort of home and handling life on my own but I was loving every minute of it. Then comes all this shitload of work that made my inner demon unleashed itself, I was established as BOSSY and a control freak but all I meant was for the wellfare of my project, nothing else. So first semester over, incomes the second, which was where I discovered that problems could be avoided by ignoring them and that’s just what I did. I basically backed of from mingling with people but stayed in contact with a few, just a few. I became more focused and determined to study and work, proved well decision made when my grades were higher. Third semester beckons, I was eager to study as I have the thought that a short semester of 2 subjects is easy peasy to handle but I proved myself DARN WRONG. SO DARN WRONG. I became more ignorant, and the worse part is letting emotions getting the best of me. Throughout the January to March semester, my works were ‘cincai-ly’ done and all I keep thinking was I don’t give a damn. Yes, everything from my projects to exam deteriorated even my focus was thrown off! 2007 didn’t start off well for me I guess so it made me weaker in the sense that I was letting my heart speaking more than my brain.
I pledge to focus this semester, I can’t thrown my studies off again just because of the conundrums that I’m going through. No life is complete without trauma right? I know it’s hard to live a life but sometimes I do wish I have real friends that I could really be honestly and truthful with because throughout my life, it’s all just hypocrites. I thought my mum would be someone I could talk to but no, not ever am I gonna be open with my mum, not ever! I tried, I failed miserably and I’ve learnt my lesson.
