KABOOM and TADA it’s July.

Feeling a little emo now, I think you can just stop reading my blog, lost the interest to blog. Mum says it’s a waste of time.

Anyhow, thousand apologies for I have not been religiously updating my blog for the past few weeks due to restrictions that consists of assignments and personal issues. My life is pretty much a living hell right now. Needless to say, I’ve been crying so often alone that it just becomes a habit for me to just burst into tears whenever I feel like the world is on my shoulders. I chose to go to Juice Magazine for my internship after my final semester ceases and I’ve already got the acceptance from Catchacorp and I’m might as pack my bags and head down to KL next month. “Yay” for me. I’m happy that I’m gonna venture into something new, I really am but what bugs me is that, nobody seems to support me. My parents are like in the state of paranoia, warning me about the dangers of KL and bla bla bla, and my brother telling me that I’m on my own and I must take care of my expenses bla bla bla. I mean, can’t you guys be happy for me that I’m going into something that I’m keen in? Or just show some support that I’m probably heading to KL alone as most of my classmates are either staying in Penang or staying at some other areas in KL. Can’t you just be a little supportive of me? I know la, my upcoming stay in KL is gonna cost more, but I’ll try to do whatever I can to pay my own stuffs okay. I fucking hate it when I get accused of being a spendthrift, you want proof that I take care of my spendings? Wanna see my record book where I record my spendings every single damn day? I’ve been doing that at the start of my college life, everything is recorded down from RM1 for parking to RM0.20 for toilet. Yes I save hard to go for trips and shopping, can’t I reward myself with a little something new at times? The way you guys made me look like as if I spend money like nobody’s business. Don’t you know that I had to fork out my own money to pay for my projects? Printing and buying stationeries no need pay wan ar? And those damn projects burns a hole in my wallet okay. I seriously seriously seriously envy my friends, they decided to head to another place far from home for work or to continue their studies, and they get full support from the people around them. Me? It’s like whatever I want is always ignored, objected, rejected. What else you want from me? Stay in a cage and being cooped up forever? I just wanna go try something new in life, I just wanna try being independent but how am I gonna survive if you guys keep being on negative about my decision? Yes I know I’m dependent on you guys for money and logistics, I just wish I struck lottery or something because seriously, every time I receive my allowance or pocket money, I feel ashamed. Why? Because, I’m just spending hard earned money and not earning. I tried working, for 2 weeks I was in living hell because I had to juggle college and work. I would finish class and head to work and come home crying because I’m so tired yet I can’t sleep because I have assignments to do. I tried doing some freelance work but college work has been so demanding of my attention that I had to put a full stop to it. So help me, don’t think that I’m throwing my pocket money away, I may not be telling you much of my life but if you wanna know the truth, please ask me and I’d be gladly to explain and stop assuming for crying out loud. I envy my friends who got a new car to use for her internship, relatives offering their homes to stay, and parents showing support and not nagging about giving her allowance. You, who’s reading this might think that I am actually getting a fat allowance every month, you really think that? THINK AGAIN. I, get only 200bucks per month. And that includes paying for my petrol, project expenses, food expenses but sometimes I do get subsidizations from my brother who buys back groceries. 200bucks equals to 50bucks a week, imagine how am I surviving? And my parents thinks I’m having more money than I should. I refrain myself from calling back home to ask for more money, I find it hard to do, for my part that is. So what I do is, I just suck it up, and just do whatever I can to move on. I would dig out coins, or just buy the cheapest food I can find to last me all day. I was so poor that for few days back in my past semesters, every day I would just spend RM1 for a bread, RM0.70 for a piece of fruit, and RM1 for bus, back in the days where I don’t have a car yet. Yes I was that frugal. I don’t know what I should do now. I’m hesitating to go to KL for my internship, I wanna do something that I love but what’s the point when I don’t get any support from people that I care? All they see in their eyes is just another extra burden. More mafan matters to handle. More money to spend. Sometimes I don’t even know why I study so hard in college, every time I would get complains from my mum saying that my college tuition fees are up the roof, but can’t she see that I’m paying my dues by studying as hard as I could? What’s the point of working to achieve good GPA’s when nobody acknowledges it? Who am I to say la, I’m just a student. I’m not some big shot earning big bucks although I do wish I’m able to pay for my own expenses. I really hate it when people would pay for me, believe me I really hate it. I get wrongfully perceived because I am and am still remaining very tight lipped about my life. I believe that my personal issues stays with me and I don’t bug others to solve it for me. That’s why I choose to just shut the fuck up and keep it all to myself. People care, people ask, people wanna help. But seriously, I have the paiseh-ness at the highest level that I don’t even know how to explain. So I resort myself to work, so yes, I am a workaholic. I love to drown myself in the midst of work piles, it keeps me focussed and refrains me from thinking bukan-bukan stuffs if not I would start emo-ing again. I would say my life is pretty much influenced by the people around me, I get agitated easily and I’m extremely emotional (if you haven’t already known by now). So I just hope, a little support would do, I might just cancel of this KL internship thing since it’s such a strain and pain in the ass. Let’s all be happy and dandy, stay in Penang as an intern in some crappy minuscule company and I’ll be even sulkier that Sulky Susan.

“Yay” for me. I made this post un-reader friendly coz’ I just wanna get you all to click the pretty X on the top right.

Word.