Sorry for the freakin’ long post, as you might’ve known I tend to write an essay when I emo.

Sometimes I wonder, why is my life as such? Is it significances of the decisions and actions I made throughout my life? Or, it’s just human and their nature. As in human nature. I credit my past and current behaviors to my upbringing, which was not that fun come to think about it. It was always just lone time. As a young girl, you might say I suffered from LOA (Lack of Attention) as I would always do things to get my family’s attention.

I have lots of skeletons in my closet, as would other people. And here’s one of them. I’ve always been jealous of my friend’s and their families, especially those who I see have such a great bond going on. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with my family, I love my parents dearly, my brothers? Yea I love them as family but, do they have a high rank in my life? Not much. I might be harsh but I’m just harshly frank, my age gaps with my siblings are quite big and I’m the only girl. So, all my Barbie doll days are just me myself and my dolls.

Having an age gap has been tough on me. When I was in my early teens, my siblings have been long gone from the house. Honestly I feel like an only child while growing up. So, my family was just my parents alongside my cats and dogs. Yea, I speak to animals more than I talk to my siblings so technically, four legged animals knows me better than my actual family. Fast forward say, 5 years later? There I was a graduate from high school, I decided to embark further with a major in my mind. Mass communication. I’m the artsy fartsy one in the house, the rest are more into technical majors. Again, I feel awkward.

College life begun, it was tough at first but I got the hang of it simply because I’m pursuing something of my interest instead of being forced to down things that turns me off. I admit, I make mistakes throughout my life and most of the time I am to pompous to accept that fact. Don’t you do the same? I mean come on, everyone doesn’t take a humble pie that often right? I try to learn and be a better person, the outcome was great I guess. I became more matured yet still goofy as usual stumbling here and there, most importantly I made a whole lot of new friends, and I developed trusts among them.

What I love about them is that they’re willing to know more about me and, the vibe that I’m getting from my siblings is that, they are obligated to know more about me hence, the need to facilitate me, the need to this the need to that. Why can’t you guys just be my brothers and treat me like a little sister? I know I am a burden, I know I am an obligation but I am at the top most, a sister. Blood related family member can? I don’t want 20, 30 years down the road and we only see each other only during Chinese New Years or whatever holidays. I don’t want the things that are now the current “tradition” in the extended family to be in this family. And I am terribly jealous of your girlfriends or wives, just so you know. But what the heck, who am I to be saying this.

And you know what, what never fails to make me tear up is when I think of the fact that, my friends knows more about me than my own siblings. People that I actually grew up with ended up being more estranged. Yea I’m always emo-ing, self isolating but that’s because I’m a very inferior person. Not because I don’t want to socialize, but more like having the reluctance to start the first word. This whole issue, has been haunting me for at least, the past 6 years. I don’t know whether it’s the effects of the hormones or just, thinking too much. You know, when there are things that are better left kept rather than said.

I’m sorry I’m a burden, I’m sorry for being a nuisance and I’m sorry that I’m obligation.

It feels a lot better now after voicing out. Back then if I were to say this, you guys would probably think I’m immature and naive, but now I guess you understand how I feel since I am foraging on my own now. And I’m doing very well at it, on my own.

♥ Wendy