It’s been 4 days since my dad has been warded, and the best word to describe today would be bizarre.

Why so? Apart from the sleepless nights I’ve been having, surprisingly there were no nightmares at the time when I was finally asleep. I slept like a baby albeit the initial struggle at first, there were so many things going on in my mind, what could have been, what ought to be, how it should be, why is it as such. All these stress is taking a toll on me, I feel like a 50 year old trapped in a soon to be 21 year old body.

Thoughts kept running through my mind and I wouldn’t let myself at ease but yet I was still holding up, I am near to the point of breaking down but somehow I am still not overwhelmed. I woke up as usual today, I lazed in front of the television for a bit before preparing to leave for the hospital to visit my dad and my mum who left earlier in the morning.

I couldn’t help but to think of turning back while driving to the hospital, I was scared to enter. I didn’t want to see my dad lying in bed, breathing on oxygen support and seeing my mum holding it together. It was very hard for me. Good thing for today, there were friends from Ipoh who came to visit so it wasn’t that hard to put on a brave face with people distracting you.

So we were there just hanging out with my dad, and my dad has been making slight progresses these few days. He talks clearer now and he seems more livelier, the bad part was seeing him being so swollen because of the medication and drugs.

I took the gang out for lunch at Tanjung Bungah at a Malay food court. As usual the food was good and fairly cheap, everyone had a plate of rice with a piece of chicken either fried or asam black sauce, with a giant curry fish head plus drinks, the bill was RM50 for six people. But over lunch, I didn’t taste the food as much, I was merely eating to fuel myself, plus the conversation among us weren’t exactly lunch friendly. We were talking about will writings, particularly for my dad’s case, ownership transfers of cars, properties and shares, prospective “resting” places, “contingency” plans in case “something” were to happen. All those topics were exactly the things I’ve been fearing since years ago.

I have been thinking to myself about  five to six years ago, what would happen if? How am I to react if? And honestly, I feel I am too young to be burdened with all these thoughts, but it came too fast too soon. I am not even started on my path yet, just touching the starting point and somehow the bomb just dropped and it went kaboom.

I am not prepared for anything yet, and I know many people who face the same conundrum would think how unfair this is but truth is, there’s nothing I can do. All I can offer is moral support, do whatever I can on the sidelines, the most important thing lies within my dad; the willpower to survive. I am so not ready to lose any of my family members yet, particularly my parents. They have not seen me graduate, they have not seen me get engaged, get married, have babies, work and bring home the money, taking them for vacations, giving them a comfortable home to retire in and all those sort of things that I should give back. I need that chance to payback.

After lunch, as I was driving them back to my house to pick up some stuffs, there were three dogs frolicking around by the road and it was a very busy road, suddenly those three dogs ran onto the road while playing chase. The vehicle in front of me was a lorry and the three dogs ran in front of the lorry, the first two dogs managed to avoid the rolling lorry but the third dog.

The third dog got confused, it ran in between the front and back tires of the lorry and the back tires rolled on its body. And this happened right in front of my freakin’ face, in front of my car. I totally braked and as I was already moving slow due to the slow traffic. The dog collapsed immediately in front of me, it was shaking as though it was having a seizure and then it started to vomit blood. And then it just stopped moving. All these happened within 20 seconds fast, I had my hazard lights on, I was prepared to go down the car till I was stopped by everyone in the car who forced me to drive on.

I was just stunned, overwhelmed, shocked as I saw the lorry speeding away urgently after rolling over the dog. I tried to maintain my calm in driving as I had four other people in the car so I tried not being too emotional. I was close to bawling out tears but I held it back, I was imagining how it would if it were to happen to any of my dogs or cats. It was very bizarre.

How I felt with the dog was exactly how I felt with my dad. I felt helpless. All I can do is look out and see what I can help in small matters, I have no ability to save lives or cure. I felt useless and weak, I can’t do anything.

Today was just a bizarre, bizarre, bizarre day. It’s getting too much for me to handle. What’s the point of having people zooming back just to do nothing?

? Wendy