For these past few weeks, I have been occupied with nothing but family. It’s not a bad thing actually, I like having “too much” of family, I don’t get to have it often especially when I am busy with attending classes so now I have one month dedicated just for family, it is very tiring and stressful but I’m glad. But on certain “difficult” days with my mum, that’s another story la.

My mum and I have been frolicking to the hospital every single day for the past 2 weeks, we’re holding it there albeit being extremely exhausted, mentally and physically. Seriously to see your husband and your dad being so weak and fragile isn’t exactly something easy. I was trying hard not to cry whenever I am there, so I had my blank face on. Both of us would be there with him for breakfast, lunch and dinner with in between breaks for errands and to freshen up. Thankfully we live near the hospital.

We’re trying our best to accommodate him however we can, as he can’t walk as much already so we loaned a wheelchair from the hospital to transport him from the apartment to the car then within the hospital. And he has to rely on the oxygen concentrator as he is constantly breathless. I mean I don’t blame my brothers for their absence, they have their obligations and life so it’s just my mum and I to take care of things. I am fortunate to be on a break now and I am seriously considering taking a break from studies to focus on family because I am very much needed now at home, plus my school fees aren’t going to be an ease either.

During one of the days while my mum and I were at the hospital, one of the medical officer pulled us out of the room to have a talk. She was basically informing us on the condition of my dad. Well, the confirmation was that my dad have no chance of a full recovery as the cancer has spread to his liver, and there’s a brain tumor growth. I was basically looking down at my shoes while hearing this, my heart just sank like a rock. My mum was holding it together with teary eyes, holding it together as usual and when we got back into the room, I just put on my usual blank face to mask my emotions while my mum lied she had a noseblock caused by my cat’s fur.

Friends have been offering support and help, my brother’s Perdana which is totally idle at the moment has been taken back to Ipoh by my dad’s ex staff to sell it off. The car is totally underused and a waste of money at the moment. For the past 2 weeks, many people have came to visit and I saw my dad putting his best “face” forward, he was trying to look less lethargic, more vocal and active as compared to everyday where I just see him laying in bed, moving as less as he could. Plus my mum is making “contingency” plans which is so not my topic to talk about, I almost crashed the car while driving where the other 5 people in the car were talking about the “contingency” plan.

Honestly, I don’t know whether to be mad, sad, angry or depressed.

I am feeling a little of everything now. I am mad because my dad was in denial for so many years, never went for a full body check up for 53 years of his life, and finally when he is forced to it, he is diagnosed with Stage 3 lung cancer.

I am sad because I don’t think the thought of my parents leaving me would be now, it should be a thought when I am 25 years older, when I am a middle aged women dealing with adolescence and anti-aging, not when I’m still an undergraduate who only has one boyfriend up to date, who doesn’t have a career, dealing with pimples and studies. I don’t want this thought to come so soon, I am not ready!

I am angry because he never opens up to anybody, he keeps everything to himself hence earning himself the moniker “Blue Boy”. I have so many things to tell him but I don’t have the urge to open up. I want to tell him to stay strong because I want him to be there when I graduate my degree, see me go to work and earn my first pay check, see me get engaged, see me buy my own house, see my children, so many things that I want him to be here for.

I am depressed (like duh how am I not to be depressed with everything that’s been happening?), like seriously the lack of family support is very saddening. My brothers made the effort to be in Penang with my dad but so what? It’s like they are here just to be here. I’m not going to continue talking about this, but sendiri tahu la how we stand.

For the past few days, my mornings starts at 8am where I get dressed and pack my essentials. I lay down the platform at my apartment door so that I can roll my dad in the wheelchair down, get him into the car and off to the hospital for radiotherapy. The radiotherapy only lasts for about 3 minutes, and I got the chance to see my dad under the machine yesterday. He was placed on a platform, laid down with marks on his chest to indicate the area for radiotherapy. It was very cold in there and I saw him shivering, there were several red laser lights on his chest and we were ushered out by Auntie Heng, who’s Si Gavin’s mum who works as a Senior Aide in the Radiotherapy department of the hospital. She took my mum and I from the radiotherapy room to the operator’s monitor whereby I saw how the machine was operated with all sorts of data and a surveillance video of my dad under radiotherapy.

It was very hard to see that, I really wish God could take 20 years of my life to make my dad better. I really wish such things could happen. I want to see him leave peacefully as a happy old old old man. Not like this.

My mum and I have been trying out best to accommodate and help, but really we are helpless.

♥ Wendy