I am not sorry for writing my previous post, in fact I felt a whole better. Fast forward to less than two weeks from now, I have two term papers to be handed in for which I have zero percent of my essays constructed and realized. I can’t explain the laidbackness,  akin to how my current life routine is.

People have said and commented on what an anti-social I have been, how boring is my life, why and how I can manage such a lifeless life, but I beg to differ. As much as I don’t socialize anymore, I’m quite happy at my current state. I spend more time with my books, my music, my parents and my two furballs which is contenting.

Notice the absence of I spend more time with Hugo in the latter sentence, truth to be told I haven’t been seeing my so called boyfriend for quite some time let alone talking to him. Apparently he has been sucked into the vortex of toil that he has neglected me. I’m fine that he’s busy with his work, I understand because I myself am busy with my studies as well, so there goes the lack of communication there BUT, yes a but is always there.

But, when I am the one who’s currently having a period; full of hormonal rage and change, with additional strain from my quest for earning that piece of paper that they call a degree plus my equally full of hormonal rage and change of a mother, he is the one who’s throwing tantrums around while I’m the one who goes all the way with “Yes dear”, “Don’t stress dear”, “Take care, chill” and whatever crap I can say to comfort him. Responding with total pessimism and downbeat replies, my mood in the conversation went from fine to just pure annoyance.

I was at a point where I had to ask the essential question of  “what the fuck is wrong with you, if you have a problem you can just tell me”. His reply was, “Nevermind, ignore me”.

WTF?

Sigh, the amount of sighs I sighed because of this is so staggering. Could this be a sign that this relationship has run its course? It feels like so, I don’t know. The timing he chooses to strike a conversation with me is always bad, he would always call me during dinner time which obviously I am having my dinner whereby I have to rush to answer the phone, or if I couldn’t answer his calls he would send me stern messages with proper spelled english like “call me when you are not busy thanks”.

Honestly, this stress is totally unnecessary but what to do, humans are complicated by nature.

On a good note, I got my credit cards today! Nothing to brag about la, just that it feels so surreal that I have my very own plastics.

Another thing, my dad and I talked about how life has been lately, I can see that he feels very thankful for having his colleagues and ex-staffs like Sindy, Ming and all the people from his company being so supportive and caring. He seems pretty happy lately too, with the occasional sneers from my mum that he’s being all dramatic about his sickness.

♥ Wendy

I’m tired. Really tired. I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks, and most of the time I’ll fall asleep after hours of staying awake due to the fatigue.

Four months back, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and both my parents moved up to Penang temporarily.

My life, has been going through some major turbulence since then and at this moment, it hasn’t gone any better.  It started off with studying for exams for my first semester into my degree and the cancer bomb dropped. Then my mum moved almost everything from Ipoh up to Penang, causing my tiny apartment to be congested with things everywhere. I don’t mind having family staying with me after living alone for almost 3 years. But, when the mother gets so anal about everything in the house, it just pisses me off. Honestly, and I really do wish that somehow I have my own place to live, because I really lost my stand in this house. She has to control when I should sweep the floor, when I should hang the clothes, when this when that how this how that.

The things I place, stuffs that I have and things that I do are all scrutinized to the bone, I have no say left in the house.  Whatever that is in the house that belongs to me, is deemed either a trash, or badly placed. Whatever I do, I’m always the bad apple. An innocent handwash dispenser by the sink that I placed, and she had to throw it. And she continues to say, now that I’m living here you have to compromise. Compromise? More like authoritarian!

Sure I know, I’m not as capable as my brothers who are earning a living and having their own houses and all I do is spend your money for my studies and monthly allowances. Afterall I’m still a student, but no the mother does not see me that way. She complains that I never help support the family, she complains that the house is always a mess, she complains that I never do anything in the house.

HOW CAN I DO ANYTHING WHEN YOU’RE ALWAYS NAGGING AND YELLING AT ME? AND YOUR CHOICE OF WORDS AND TONE ISN’T ANYTHING SOPHISTICATED EITHER?

My mother constantly rants about the fees for my studies, and with my brothers, she never ever nagged a single bit. But with me, she’ll always put the guilt on me for spending money. It gets me thinking, why am I studying so hard anyway. She never sees me as a model child, and I know I’m not a good suck up like my brothers. I’ll say whatever’s on my mind and never candy coat anything.

She has her own system of working in the house, I have mine too. And she expects me to follow everything she says and do even when I’m busy with something else at the moment. If I disobey, she calls me names and says that I’m nothing but worthless and lazy. Once she moved in into the house, she changed everything around the house, and when I want to put my fair share of things into the house, she says that it’s useless, wasting space, and either puts it into one corner or into the trash can. Everything is according to her way, her style, and I get yelled for placing my things on the counter, table, anywhere.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR MOTHER IS SAYING HURTFUL THINGS TO YOU?

Many times we argued and I really wanted to run away, because I cannot stand living with a control freak in the house. It’s not just her house, it’s mine too. She went on to say that it’s her and my father’s money who paid for the house so I have no part in it.

And people continue to think I’m the immature childish daughter who always wants what she wants. It’s always I who is at fault.

About a month ago, major renovation began in my house and it was a total mess. Things were disassembled, dust was everywhere and everything had to be packed up and stored into any empty plausible space. While I was striving my way through the mess in my house, my mum told me to go back Ipoh instead with my two cats because THERE ISN’T ENOUGH SPACE FOR THREE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE. I don’t even have a share of ideas for the renovation of the house, not even my room because she says the room does not belong to me, it’s only borrowed to me.

I’m fine with leaving, but the way she said it was as if she was chasing me out of the house. Fine I left, and stayed alone in Ipoh for three weeks, and within those three weeks, she would call me everyday to run errands for her and such, and I had no complains.

And yet when I was running low on cash, she said that I was a big spender and continued to say mean things to me, and most of the money I spent was for my dogs, groceries and things that she ordered me to buy.

I felt really hurt because after all things that I’ve done, all she can say are the bad things. And she’ ll sing praises and focus on are my brothers who is expecting a baby and the other getting married, so attention is on both of them and me? I’m just the useless money spender at home.

HEAR THAT I’M JUST A USELESS MONEY SPENDER NOT LIKE ANY OF YOU WHO’S IN TAIWAN AND KL EARNING MONEYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I don’t know, nobody tries to understand my feelings. That’s why I’ve always been a loner, and I’m always the last in line for things.  I feel like I always have to fight for attention in the house, I cannot touch the television even if I want to because they told me they’ll be on the television all day so the only time I can watch is late night after they go to bed. I cannot cook a complete dinner because the kitchen is heralded by my mum. I cannot place things in my room because she says no, I cannot this I cannot that.

And when my brother arrives, I have to drive my car out and park outside for them to park at my parking spot. So my car is not a car?

I’m really glad to have Hugo in my life, sure he has been a klutz but he has been someone that I run to whenever my family gangs up on me. If I may dare to say this, I’m sure my family backstabs me at times. Many times my mum has asked Hugo to do ridiculous stuffs, just because he’s my boyfriend doesn’t mean he’s your servant.

Case in point, I was kayaking with my gang on a Saturday morning so logically I don’t entertain my phone while I’m kayaking so when I finally finished, which was during lunch time, I checked my phone to have a gazilion miss calls from my mum. I called back and the first thing was I got yelled loudly asking where the hell was I and why didn’t I pick up the phone. I calmly told her that a person does not bring a thousand dollar piece of gadget while rowing across the sea and she demanded I bring her to a durian orchard in Balik Pulau at that moment, when I was soaking in salty water with burning skin. Of course, I would have to shower and have lunch first after a tiring morning, and she DEMANDED NOW. Honestly, everyone was going wtf and I was rushing my friends to shower and go for a quick lunch before dashing off to bring my mum’s friends to the orchard. She thinks whatever she wants at the spur of the moment should be granted, in the expense of other people. Case in point, Hugo and I.

Since I was young, I envy at how my brothers are treated. They have more freedom, and they suck up to my mum, unlike me who always fights back and gets beaten all the time. Like when I was an hour late after school, and I let my mum waited for me, I went home with her screaming at me all the way in the car and beaten at home. But did I get angry when I waited for her to come fetch me after waiting for 2 hours? I was sitting alone at the hut waiting till everyone was gone, leaving me alone. I didn’t even show any sign of anger and just casually asked why she was late, and she said she was with her friends.

Honestly, I don’t know, I love my mum but I hate my mum at the same time too. I hate her for being so bias, I hate her for being so irrational, I hate her for being so stubborn, I hate her for being so anal about everything. Just relax la, your children are all grown up now, let loose and chill will you?

I am so tired of being told that I’m just a useless daughter who depends on her parents for everything, I know I’m a burden but do you even care about how I feel when you utter those things? Always nagging about paying for my studies, my allowance, whatever I do in the house. I dream of owning my own house, earning my own income every night, and I can’t wait to break free.

Just because you always stay at home watching television and I’m always going out, and you called me names.

I’ve been living alone for 3 years so I’ve accustomed myself to a new life here, I have a life! But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about home!

I’m not the little girl that should be locked up at home anymore, I like to venture out see things and explore. Just like when I was in KL for 3 months last year, I never wanted to stay at my brother’s place for two reasons, first I was not close with him  and second, he wanted me to stay with him because he would charge me rental payment to cover his expenses. Not that I’m grateful for the 3 months, I’m just not liking that whatever I do I needed my family to shield me.

Seriously for now, I’m just gearing up to get my degree, start earning and carving my life and busting out!

And if I have my mum going gaga over my future new house, I will definitely handle her with ‘care’.

♥ Wendy

Lately, let’s say beginning till mid March till right now at this minute, 10.03 pm to be exact.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO FREAKIN’ STRESSED FOR A LONG TIME.

I haven’t had my dinner and I am in no mood for it because I am not happy with so many things happening or the lack thereof.  April didn’t start on a good note though, with so many back to back datelines (seriously fark you communication technology), and the annoying weather that is making people sick to the core.  Seriously it’s like  scorching hot during daytime and raining almost every night. Probably the sky is having a “lao sai” moment every night. Moving on, let’s go on with Hugo. He has been well, Hugo. And sometimes he drives me up the wall with his lack of sensitivity. I know, a relationship is about give and take, I get it. But to be so block headed and inconsiderate, how can? Sometimes, it’s just so hard to get things into a guy’s head. Ego ego ego ego is a bastard. Oh yea, short attention span can be painful too, I would say something, and often every few minutes I get questions asking about what did I say earlier or, I would say something and it gets acknowledged but when I mention it later it would be as if I never said anything. Anyhoo, ASSignments, Hugo and the weather is the least of my worries now. It’s still under control but as for everything around, no say about where it’s heading to. I’m losing it very often nowadays.

Just last Sunday, I had a short one day trip back to Ipoh. That trip made me think really hard, that I didn’t realize I would miss home so much. As I was reaching home and parking the car, I was so excited to be back and I actually climbed over the front gate to sneak out the hidden spare key to open the gates since I have no keys. I remembered when I was younger, one by one my brothers left the house and only return once every few months. I used to think that, fine these two got what they wanted from my parents and now they’re flying solo. I dreaded being alone at home all the time, with me being the emo kid that I was, my pets became the replacement for my siblings.

And as of today, I have officially left home for 1077 days. I’m happy that throughout my stay in Penang, I’ve grown up and I see myself so differently now compared to who I was back then. I used to be the jealous emotional brat that everyone has a better life than me, but now I feel very contented and life is much simpler although by reality it’s not.

I know I don’t go back Ipoh very often, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss home. I do wish I could go back every weekend or at least every alternate weekend, just because I miss home very much. I do admit, life in Penang is better because I get freedom and independence, but still family doesn’t exist here in Penang. I would cry frequently when I’m at home, when I think of home way back before I got Lim Ah Meow.

Another thing that is stressing the eyeballs out of me is my dad. I do notice his health has been deteriorating lately, and I would always have very few words to talk to him. Striking a conversation isn’t easy because, he isn’t a man of many words. My mum told me that his health is worsening and he doesn’t want to do anything about it, the irony is that he works in the medical line, he can advise people on what medicine to take, which doctor to consult for any particular cases and yet he does not do anything about it. Doesn’t he notice he’s making people like mum and I worry? Mum might be grumpy and naggy all the time, but in the end she does mean well. I’ve known that all along but I would used to slam her down because she would sound so annoying to me, I understand the frustration she felt of me right now. Just like how I would nag and go mad over Hugo and his antiques.

Other than feeling guilty for neglecting my parents, I felt extremely guilty for abandoning my pets too. For them who have been my loyal friends for so long, I would cry whenenver I look at their pictures or watch the videos I recorded of them. People would tell me, they’re just merely animals but I beg to differ, they may be animals but still they are as equally emotional as we are.

My mum gave me a call today while I was still in college after class, my heart sank and I almost teared up that very instant when I heard her saying that Ett Ett was injured, probably hit by a car or motorcycle or something.  I wasn’t clearly told of her condition, possibly an injured bladder or spine injury, and if she doesn’t get through tonight she might not make it. I want nothing else but for her to be well. What made me even more sad is, I just played and cuddled with her at home yesterday and now I’m stuck here with studies and commitments that I am not able to go home. Yes she might just be a cat, but I was the one who took care of her when she was born in my house, and I watched her grew and she used to bite my ear and nose to wake me up for school every morning. Being a cat and dog person, I can never see myself going on with life without a pet. They’re the best of friends you can ever get, seriously.

I have never been an expressive person verbally, saying things like “I love you” or “I miss you” makes me squirm, and often people mistaken me as being very unappreciative due to the lack of output from me. But here you go, some output from me though not verbally.

♥ Wendy

I’m not going to explain myself of not blogging, because as usual being a student it’s always those assignments la and bla bla bla.

So let me start being the emo bitch that I am, scold me and fuck me upside down however you want but I’m still giving out a piece of my mind.

What I am going to talk about however is, about freedom of speech and privacy. Firstly, whatever I wrote on my god damn blog is purely my opinion and thoughts, so regardless whatever I say, this blog serves as my platform of voicing it out. Hey at least I’m bitching about problems in my life in the open, sharing is caring innit? I do complain, just like everyone else but why so serious? Can’t I bitch? People can talk bad behind me, at least I’m doing it in the open and how about having friends who shuts down their blogs just because their parents found out about it? What happened to freedom of speech huh?All you ever think is from your own perspective, what about me? Try thinking from my side, if people can actually be that empathetic. More like pathetic minus the EM.

I find it really therapeutic to rant here because, although everything is plastered on a screen and there’s no interpersonal contact present, after all not everyone can find a person to keep ranting on and on. I don’t blog for entertainment purposes nor for financial purposes, I blog for myself. I blog to keep my feelings at bay and to make sure I get my words out instead of letting it boil in on me, because I know I will snap and woohoo I just did an hour ago.

First thing I said to myself was, fuck my life. Why not? I’ve been an independent person although I’m not financially capable to take care of myself yet. I’m living in a house that is not my own, but I do cook my own food, wash my given car, fixing the car with my own money, feed my cat with my own allowance, I never missed any classes, I listen attentively to lectures and take down alot of notes unlike most of my classmates, I finish my assignments before the dateline is due, I do all sorts of things by myself without relying on people but at the end of the day, I’m still relying on people to provide me money, a house and paying the house bills. And I have people thinking that, I’m a spoilt brat who only knows how to enjoy life, shop for clothes, hangout with friends and all those things you can think about.  What about the capable side of me? Does anyone see it?

I never finish my allowance every month as I always have balance, and it has accumulate to quite a sum now, which I’m happy.  I have always wanted to be able to buy things for myself and all I wanted was a Coach bag of my own, which in truth I never had a proper bag of my own. Everything I used was hand me downs, from the bags, the clothes and accessories. I had my mum telling me, don’t worry you’ll get bags from your sister in law so save your money and keep it for another day. I beg to digress, as much as it is good to have freebies, how would you feel using something that used to belong to someone else? I understand, a Coach bag isn’t cheap but do people even know the price of the bag I’m eyeing? And I saved money to buy it, not like I’m forcing Hugo to or twist somebody’s arm to buy it for me.

You might think, this girl is darn materialistic just for a bag only, but to me it’s more like having something of my own, with my own effort.

Most of you will not understand anyway, so go tell my mother father brother cat or dog whoever you want about and let them give me a third degree burning and as usual I’ll just remind myself again, fuck my life. Maybe people feel satisfied when they see others having a ball of a time. But I shall remain positive and not being bitter.

? Wendy

(pun intended to the title)

I’m not sure whether my brain is functioning well or not, because at any time given I could just snap.

Hormones maybe? And I particularly am not a big fan of being yelled at, and being ignored for the sake of gaming and coding or whatever shit. I nag because I careeeee but if it’s unheard, so be it.

But anyhoo, that’s not the point of this post.

Silly things aside, I have been thinking and thinking and thinking of my plans after college. And I’ve made up my decision.

I’m going back to college again, yes I’m stuck to KDU for life. Somebody take me far far away please.

Today’s my first day as a degree student, I’m currently doing my Bachelors of Communication and dang it, it’s an Honours degree. And who the hell starts classes at the smack end of the year? And looking through the tasks needed to be carried out although considering it’s a 2 semester per year programme, it’s pretty packed. So much of readings to be doneeeeeeeeeeeeee! And only a few of my classmates joined in, alongside quite a number of students from other colleges, which is kinda saddening really and I wanted to go abroad so badly but what’s done is done. I shall live a happy life stuck here, not that I’m complaining la but experiencing different things would be nice. Just like my 3 months in KL, and I’m not allowed to study in KL!

Other than that, that’s about how my year is ending. Nothing really happy about it actually, it’s still the same old mundane life I’ve been having. It’s been just routine and everything but at least, I found something to keep me occupied by attending classes and babysitting Lim Ah Meow.

And I’m just hoping that I don’t have to miss class during February because I have to go all the way back to Ipoh to babysit my cats and dogs because everyone in the house is going overseas except for me. Yes everyone in the house, which includes my mum, my dad, my two brothers and their significant others. And what am I left with? I’m stuck at home! I had no holiday during my holidays and now I have to skip classes in expense for other people’s holidays. How would you feel about that if you were me? I’m not saying this because I’m angry but just that, I’m the one with the least travelling holidays in the house, and all I ever do is stay at home. Can’t I be the one going out and enjoy instead?

My own boyfriend is neglecting me for his beloved computer and whatever monitor or crapshit bullshit gadget he buys and now even my own family is planning their own little escapade without me. Am I really that bad that everyone’s leaving me behind?

I don’t have an answer to that, and back to my mundane life now, bye.

♥ Wendy