I’m tired. Really tired. I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks, and most of the time I’ll fall asleep after hours of staying awake due to the fatigue.

Four months back, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and both my parents moved up to Penang temporarily.

My life, has been going through some major turbulence since then and at this moment, it hasn’t gone any better.  It started off with studying for exams for my first semester into my degree and the cancer bomb dropped. Then my mum moved almost everything from Ipoh up to Penang, causing my tiny apartment to be congested with things everywhere. I don’t mind having family staying with me after living alone for almost 3 years. But, when the mother gets so anal about everything in the house, it just pisses me off. Honestly, and I really do wish that somehow I have my own place to live, because I really lost my stand in this house. She has to control when I should sweep the floor, when I should hang the clothes, when this when that how this how that.

The things I place, stuffs that I have and things that I do are all scrutinized to the bone, I have no say left in the house.  Whatever that is in the house that belongs to me, is deemed either a trash, or badly placed. Whatever I do, I’m always the bad apple. An innocent handwash dispenser by the sink that I placed, and she had to throw it. And she continues to say, now that I’m living here you have to compromise. Compromise? More like authoritarian!

Sure I know, I’m not as capable as my brothers who are earning a living and having their own houses and all I do is spend your money for my studies and monthly allowances. Afterall I’m still a student, but no the mother does not see me that way. She complains that I never help support the family, she complains that the house is always a mess, she complains that I never do anything in the house.

HOW CAN I DO ANYTHING WHEN YOU’RE ALWAYS NAGGING AND YELLING AT ME? AND YOUR CHOICE OF WORDS AND TONE ISN’T ANYTHING SOPHISTICATED EITHER?

My mother constantly rants about the fees for my studies, and with my brothers, she never ever nagged a single bit. But with me, she’ll always put the guilt on me for spending money. It gets me thinking, why am I studying so hard anyway. She never sees me as a model child, and I know I’m not a good suck up like my brothers. I’ll say whatever’s on my mind and never candy coat anything.

She has her own system of working in the house, I have mine too. And she expects me to follow everything she says and do even when I’m busy with something else at the moment. If I disobey, she calls me names and says that I’m nothing but worthless and lazy. Once she moved in into the house, she changed everything around the house, and when I want to put my fair share of things into the house, she says that it’s useless, wasting space, and either puts it into one corner or into the trash can. Everything is according to her way, her style, and I get yelled for placing my things on the counter, table, anywhere.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR MOTHER IS SAYING HURTFUL THINGS TO YOU?

Many times we argued and I really wanted to run away, because I cannot stand living with a control freak in the house. It’s not just her house, it’s mine too. She went on to say that it’s her and my father’s money who paid for the house so I have no part in it.

And people continue to think I’m the immature childish daughter who always wants what she wants. It’s always I who is at fault.

About a month ago, major renovation began in my house and it was a total mess. Things were disassembled, dust was everywhere and everything had to be packed up and stored into any empty plausible space. While I was striving my way through the mess in my house, my mum told me to go back Ipoh instead with my two cats because THERE ISN’T ENOUGH SPACE FOR THREE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE. I don’t even have a share of ideas for the renovation of the house, not even my room because she says the room does not belong to me, it’s only borrowed to me.

I’m fine with leaving, but the way she said it was as if she was chasing me out of the house. Fine I left, and stayed alone in Ipoh for three weeks, and within those three weeks, she would call me everyday to run errands for her and such, and I had no complains.

And yet when I was running low on cash, she said that I was a big spender and continued to say mean things to me, and most of the money I spent was for my dogs, groceries and things that she ordered me to buy.

I felt really hurt because after all things that I’ve done, all she can say are the bad things. And she’ ll sing praises and focus on are my brothers who is expecting a baby and the other getting married, so attention is on both of them and me? I’m just the useless money spender at home.

HEAR THAT I’M JUST A USELESS MONEY SPENDER NOT LIKE ANY OF YOU WHO’S IN TAIWAN AND KL EARNING MONEYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I don’t know, nobody tries to understand my feelings. That’s why I’ve always been a loner, and I’m always the last in line for things.  I feel like I always have to fight for attention in the house, I cannot touch the television even if I want to because they told me they’ll be on the television all day so the only time I can watch is late night after they go to bed. I cannot cook a complete dinner because the kitchen is heralded by my mum. I cannot place things in my room because she says no, I cannot this I cannot that.

And when my brother arrives, I have to drive my car out and park outside for them to park at my parking spot. So my car is not a car?

I’m really glad to have Hugo in my life, sure he has been a klutz but he has been someone that I run to whenever my family gangs up on me. If I may dare to say this, I’m sure my family backstabs me at times. Many times my mum has asked Hugo to do ridiculous stuffs, just because he’s my boyfriend doesn’t mean he’s your servant.

Case in point, I was kayaking with my gang on a Saturday morning so logically I don’t entertain my phone while I’m kayaking so when I finally finished, which was during lunch time, I checked my phone to have a gazilion miss calls from my mum. I called back and the first thing was I got yelled loudly asking where the hell was I and why didn’t I pick up the phone. I calmly told her that a person does not bring a thousand dollar piece of gadget while rowing across the sea and she demanded I bring her to a durian orchard in Balik Pulau at that moment, when I was soaking in salty water with burning skin. Of course, I would have to shower and have lunch first after a tiring morning, and she DEMANDED NOW. Honestly, everyone was going wtf and I was rushing my friends to shower and go for a quick lunch before dashing off to bring my mum’s friends to the orchard. She thinks whatever she wants at the spur of the moment should be granted, in the expense of other people. Case in point, Hugo and I.

Since I was young, I envy at how my brothers are treated. They have more freedom, and they suck up to my mum, unlike me who always fights back and gets beaten all the time. Like when I was an hour late after school, and I let my mum waited for me, I went home with her screaming at me all the way in the car and beaten at home. But did I get angry when I waited for her to come fetch me after waiting for 2 hours? I was sitting alone at the hut waiting till everyone was gone, leaving me alone. I didn’t even show any sign of anger and just casually asked why she was late, and she said she was with her friends.

Honestly, I don’t know, I love my mum but I hate my mum at the same time too. I hate her for being so bias, I hate her for being so irrational, I hate her for being so stubborn, I hate her for being so anal about everything. Just relax la, your children are all grown up now, let loose and chill will you?

I am so tired of being told that I’m just a useless daughter who depends on her parents for everything, I know I’m a burden but do you even care about how I feel when you utter those things? Always nagging about paying for my studies, my allowance, whatever I do in the house. I dream of owning my own house, earning my own income every night, and I can’t wait to break free.

Just because you always stay at home watching television and I’m always going out, and you called me names.

I’ve been living alone for 3 years so I’ve accustomed myself to a new life here, I have a life! But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about home!

I’m not the little girl that should be locked up at home anymore, I like to venture out see things and explore. Just like when I was in KL for 3 months last year, I never wanted to stay at my brother’s place for two reasons, first I was not close with him  and second, he wanted me to stay with him because he would charge me rental payment to cover his expenses. Not that I’m grateful for the 3 months, I’m just not liking that whatever I do I needed my family to shield me.

Seriously for now, I’m just gearing up to get my degree, start earning and carving my life and busting out!

And if I have my mum going gaga over my future new house, I will definitely handle her with ‘care’.

♥ Wendy

Lately, let’s say beginning till mid March till right now at this minute, 10.03 pm to be exact.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO FREAKIN’ STRESSED FOR A LONG TIME.

I haven’t had my dinner and I am in no mood for it because I am not happy with so many things happening or the lack thereof.  April didn’t start on a good note though, with so many back to back datelines (seriously fark you communication technology), and the annoying weather that is making people sick to the core.  Seriously it’s like  scorching hot during daytime and raining almost every night. Probably the sky is having a “lao sai” moment every night. Moving on, let’s go on with Hugo. He has been well, Hugo. And sometimes he drives me up the wall with his lack of sensitivity. I know, a relationship is about give and take, I get it. But to be so block headed and inconsiderate, how can? Sometimes, it’s just so hard to get things into a guy’s head. Ego ego ego ego is a bastard. Oh yea, short attention span can be painful too, I would say something, and often every few minutes I get questions asking about what did I say earlier or, I would say something and it gets acknowledged but when I mention it later it would be as if I never said anything. Anyhoo, ASSignments, Hugo and the weather is the least of my worries now. It’s still under control but as for everything around, no say about where it’s heading to. I’m losing it very often nowadays.

Just last Sunday, I had a short one day trip back to Ipoh. That trip made me think really hard, that I didn’t realize I would miss home so much. As I was reaching home and parking the car, I was so excited to be back and I actually climbed over the front gate to sneak out the hidden spare key to open the gates since I have no keys. I remembered when I was younger, one by one my brothers left the house and only return once every few months. I used to think that, fine these two got what they wanted from my parents and now they’re flying solo. I dreaded being alone at home all the time, with me being the emo kid that I was, my pets became the replacement for my siblings.

And as of today, I have officially left home for 1077 days. I’m happy that throughout my stay in Penang, I’ve grown up and I see myself so differently now compared to who I was back then. I used to be the jealous emotional brat that everyone has a better life than me, but now I feel very contented and life is much simpler although by reality it’s not.

I know I don’t go back Ipoh very often, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss home. I do wish I could go back every weekend or at least every alternate weekend, just because I miss home very much. I do admit, life in Penang is better because I get freedom and independence, but still family doesn’t exist here in Penang. I would cry frequently when I’m at home, when I think of home way back before I got Lim Ah Meow.

Another thing that is stressing the eyeballs out of me is my dad. I do notice his health has been deteriorating lately, and I would always have very few words to talk to him. Striking a conversation isn’t easy because, he isn’t a man of many words. My mum told me that his health is worsening and he doesn’t want to do anything about it, the irony is that he works in the medical line, he can advise people on what medicine to take, which doctor to consult for any particular cases and yet he does not do anything about it. Doesn’t he notice he’s making people like mum and I worry? Mum might be grumpy and naggy all the time, but in the end she does mean well. I’ve known that all along but I would used to slam her down because she would sound so annoying to me, I understand the frustration she felt of me right now. Just like how I would nag and go mad over Hugo and his antiques.

Other than feeling guilty for neglecting my parents, I felt extremely guilty for abandoning my pets too. For them who have been my loyal friends for so long, I would cry whenenver I look at their pictures or watch the videos I recorded of them. People would tell me, they’re just merely animals but I beg to differ, they may be animals but still they are as equally emotional as we are.

My mum gave me a call today while I was still in college after class, my heart sank and I almost teared up that very instant when I heard her saying that Ett Ett was injured, probably hit by a car or motorcycle or something.  I wasn’t clearly told of her condition, possibly an injured bladder or spine injury, and if she doesn’t get through tonight she might not make it. I want nothing else but for her to be well. What made me even more sad is, I just played and cuddled with her at home yesterday and now I’m stuck here with studies and commitments that I am not able to go home. Yes she might just be a cat, but I was the one who took care of her when she was born in my house, and I watched her grew and she used to bite my ear and nose to wake me up for school every morning. Being a cat and dog person, I can never see myself going on with life without a pet. They’re the best of friends you can ever get, seriously.

I have never been an expressive person verbally, saying things like “I love you” or “I miss you” makes me squirm, and often people mistaken me as being very unappreciative due to the lack of output from me. But here you go, some output from me though not verbally.

♥ Wendy

I yearn for a holiday trip, is it that hard to fulfill? 

Oh yes it is.. for 4 years and counting it’s still unfulfilled. Promises promises promises, bull! The last actual holiday I had with my family was, none? I just want a holiday.

Back in 2004, everyone went to Bangkok, Thailand except for me. Why? First excuse given to me was, because my mum was paying for my second brother’s trip so she told me, “expensive la if you come also, we go holiday somewhere else next time okay?” Fine, I took the bait and second excuse was, there was noone at home to take care of the dogs and the cats, so someone has to stay back and it was me. It had always been me. Bummer bee bum.

And in four years I never had an actual holiday until June this year, I had a short holiday at Redang which I was so grateful for, I was literally crying when Hugo told me “yes you are going Redang with me!”, and I bet he didn’t know that. But yea I was, because I knew deep in my heart that I am financially inapt to travel anywhere.

My initial plan after my 3 months in KL was to just travel, chill and have fun till next year, then I’ll scout around for my degree options. I was supposed to travel to Haatyai or Taiwan according to my mum but as usual it’s all talk and since I wasn’t gonna travel anywhere, I ended up bumming at home and I heard people started saying and I quote; “just staying at home and don’t want to do anything”, it’s not that I don’t want to do anything but am I capable in doing something? No! What do you expect me to do, get a job? I would if I can, takkan I get a job now then in weeks or a month later I’ll quit and start my degree? Feasible or not WTF. And yes sure as hell I am furious, and don’t judge me as if you know me because you have no damn clue!

I might not be the most vocal about my thoughts and feelings in my family, but I hope they do understand that, as much as I act like I don’t care, I actually do. I might be the youngest in the family but I’m not little anymore. I might be useless but I am not without goals, I do want to do what I want but having restrictions beyond control around me, what’s a daughter to do? I’m not even allowed to go study in KL, I am to remain stuck in Penang. And my dreams of doing a degree abroad, poof. All sorts of excuses given at every corner, even the stupid excuses also kena twist till it’s correct. OMG la.

But at least I’m grateful for Lim Ah Meow’s presence in my life, she’s been sheepishly annoying but at least she’s genuine to me. I don’t feel so alone at home now.

♥ Wendy

I am seriously hating the fact of living with housemates. Firstly, I have no freedom to roam in the house, and the only privacy that I’m obligated to is in the comfort of my own room. Everything I do is monitored by the people in the house, ahhhhhhhhhh! x(

And the best part is, they have  been away for about 3 weeks and the toilet that we all are sharing was in good clean condition. Eversince they all returned, the toilet went from clean to like godforsaken disgusting yuck! Furthermore, they even took the initiative to complain to my sister-in-law that I never clean the toilet and now they want me to clean it up. They stated that, there is no way they could make the toilet to its current condition since they just came back not long ago.

I’m like WTF WTF WTF ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The toilet has been fine when it was only me using it and now since you bunch of galoots came back, of course the toilet would be much more dirtier since there’s like three extra people using it! And now they’re ganging up on me. What the fuck mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Fine, I’ll clean it or I should say, I have cleaned it. Happy now?

Plus I’m so freakin’ scared to even touch the fridge’s inventory because I don’t know who’s things are whose. The horror when I accidentally took an onion that belonged to my housemates. 8-}

I really want my own house, I really hate being cooped up here.

♥ Wendy

Sorry for the freakin’ long post, as you might’ve known I tend to write an essay when I emo.

Sometimes I wonder, why is my life as such? Is it significances of the decisions and actions I made throughout my life? Or, it’s just human and their nature. As in human nature. I credit my past and current behaviors to my upbringing, which was not that fun come to think about it. It was always just lone time. As a young girl, you might say I suffered from LOA (Lack of Attention) as I would always do things to get my family’s attention.

I have lots of skeletons in my closet, as would other people. And here’s one of them. I’ve always been jealous of my friend’s and their families, especially those who I see have such a great bond going on. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with my family, I love my parents dearly, my brothers? Yea I love them as family but, do they have a high rank in my life? Not much. I might be harsh but I’m just harshly frank, my age gaps with my siblings are quite big and I’m the only girl. So, all my Barbie doll days are just me myself and my dolls.

Having an age gap has been tough on me. When I was in my early teens, my siblings have been long gone from the house. Honestly I feel like an only child while growing up. So, my family was just my parents alongside my cats and dogs. Yea, I speak to animals more than I talk to my siblings so technically, four legged animals knows me better than my actual family. Fast forward say, 5 years later? There I was a graduate from high school, I decided to embark further with a major in my mind. Mass communication. I’m the artsy fartsy one in the house, the rest are more into technical majors. Again, I feel awkward.

College life begun, it was tough at first but I got the hang of it simply because I’m pursuing something of my interest instead of being forced to down things that turns me off. I admit, I make mistakes throughout my life and most of the time I am to pompous to accept that fact. Don’t you do the same? I mean come on, everyone doesn’t take a humble pie that often right? I try to learn and be a better person, the outcome was great I guess. I became more matured yet still goofy as usual stumbling here and there, most importantly I made a whole lot of new friends, and I developed trusts among them.

What I love about them is that they’re willing to know more about me and, the vibe that I’m getting from my siblings is that, they are obligated to know more about me hence, the need to facilitate me, the need to this the need to that. Why can’t you guys just be my brothers and treat me like a little sister? I know I am a burden, I know I am an obligation but I am at the top most, a sister. Blood related family member can? I don’t want 20, 30 years down the road and we only see each other only during Chinese New Years or whatever holidays. I don’t want the things that are now the current “tradition” in the extended family to be in this family. And I am terribly jealous of your girlfriends or wives, just so you know. But what the heck, who am I to be saying this.

And you know what, what never fails to make me tear up is when I think of the fact that, my friends knows more about me than my own siblings. People that I actually grew up with ended up being more estranged. Yea I’m always emo-ing, self isolating but that’s because I’m a very inferior person. Not because I don’t want to socialize, but more like having the reluctance to start the first word. This whole issue, has been haunting me for at least, the past 6 years. I don’t know whether it’s the effects of the hormones or just, thinking too much. You know, when there are things that are better left kept rather than said.

I’m sorry I’m a burden, I’m sorry for being a nuisance and I’m sorry that I’m obligation.

It feels a lot better now after voicing out. Back then if I were to say this, you guys would probably think I’m immature and naive, but now I guess you understand how I feel since I am foraging on my own now. And I’m doing very well at it, on my own.

♥ Wendy

Hmmmm. Just because I always what the fark here and there, doesn’t mean that I truly meant what I say okay. I might be cursing the daylights out of things I go through, but that doesn’t mean I’M TAKING EVERYTHING FOR GRANTED. Plus, I’m a very fair person. How you treat me is how I treat you, e.g. If you’re being calculative with me, expect that treatment in return. Fair enough?

And and and, complaining in life doesn’t get you far. Everything also wanna complain is very the sien wan leh. By right, my $$$ condition is worse okay. And I’m so farking lonely here can, life here is just me, my work and sleep. WHAT THE FARKKKK MANNNNNN. Everyone has their own version of curses, mine happens to be more general only. So, why so serious?

In fact, I have been exclaiming Oh My God and What The Fark so often, it’s just a pointless mean of expression. Maybe it’s just a culture shock to you. *You jakun ass* So for those who had encounter my cursings, it has no meaning. Just expressing my awe or anger. Don’t get all too bugged alrite, I’m just a very emotional human. I’ll tend to go looney and start cursing. Can’t take me emotionally? Then don’t! Apology was on will, not obligation. Just so you know.

Plus, don’t I have the right to express myself? You can choose not to give a shit about it. I’ll be cool with it!

ps: Hugo, I’m keeping my word about what I said of the things I would do in the future! V WTF MANNN.

♥Wendy