When someone you love says goodbye unexpectedly.

I have been going through a yoyo roll of emotions eversince my dad left, it’s indeed very hard for me to accept that someone who’s been so dear to me is gone. I think of him every single day, whenever I am free to myself during daytime, and before I sleep. The images of him flashed in my memory spanning from my childhood to the last few moments. They are very vivid.

I just cannot help it to feel the emptiness in me, literally a part of me died with my dad. I kept glancing around the house, remembering the thought of seeing my dad used to sat at the giant sofa in the living room, sitting at the center of the dining table during breakfast, lunch and dinner, sleeping in the room, wearing his brand new pair of Crocs that my mum and I bought for him, drinking from the thermos my mum bought for him, everything is still so vividly etched in my mind.

I have just received my result slip yesterday for my previous semester’s final examination, when I saw what I achieved, I was so happy of my effort. I was saddened at how my dad could not see what I have done, he saw me studying so hard for it but he never lived to see the end result. He would be so happy of what I achieved for my results.

I am very heartbroken. Thank you very much Susan Boyle for making me cry even more than I already have.

♥ Wendy

It’s been almost two weeks since the whole ordeal begun, and there was never a day that went by without me missing my dad. It was easy to get along during daytime as I was occupied with things to do but it was particularly difficult during night time, when it was time for bed because I’m so used to sitting in the living room with him or he would come into my room to sit and chat or just check out whatever I’m doing before he goes to bed.

It felt very very very different at home, although my dad was a quiet person but his presence was strong but now it just feels so empty. I would usually find him at home either in Penang or Ipoh reading newspapers, watching football, having a cup of coffee, napping in the room with my cat, doing gardening, cleaning up the unfinished chores left by mum and I, so many things he would be doing.

Now, there’s one person less in the family. But I am happy that everyone else is coping well. My brother’s have their significant others; one with a baby and one on the way. For my mum, well she has my little niece, Stella to keep her occupied now. She seemed so happy to be playing with Stella, constantly hovering around to make sure she’s alright. So there’s “work” for her to keep her occupied, so I’m pretty sure my dad would be really happy to know that she’s not moping much anymore. I mean it must suck to have someone for over 30 years with you and suddenly he is gone.

I have been better too, I still do cry sometimes especially at night when I’m all alone in my room where all the thoughts of my dad starts coming in. Come to think of it I have been crying for a long time, I used to cry seeing my dad being so ill and now I cry because my dad is gone. Damn crybaby la me. But I try to comfort myself with the fact that my dad is no longer ill, in pain albeit he is no longer here. In a weird strange way, I can’t wait for the day I finally meet him again, there’s so many things I’d like to share about what I went through in life that I never got to share with him.

And whenever I think of him, the song “Amazing Grace” comes to mind, it just befits the thought of him perfectly. He was truly an amazing grace in my life, a really fantastic father. It really makes me feel good to see friends who contacted me after eons, like in the case of a particular Mr.Wong from another father and mother who’s currently in USA who actually called me and flaunted his newly found American accent for more than 30 minutes in hopes of comforting me. He sounded much like rapping in his accent though, I was crying and sobbing so badly because I was telling him how bad it was to see my dad pass away right in front of my eyes and as soon as he started talking, I just started laughing.

Currently, I’m enjoying the final leg of my holidays as classes are starting soon. I told my mum, we finally have time to really rest and breathe now, without any worrisome. Dad’s in a better place, eternally etched in our minds although he’s physically gone and he’s finally giving us a break after so long!

Like the saying goes, “gone but not forgotten!”.

I’ve been blowing out some steam lately, I’m turning into a window shopaholic! I try to not spend as much unnecessarily but I can’t stop myself from ogling at those beautiful dresses and tops, hobos and lingeries that I have been eyeing. I was in MNG today with Hugo, I was just randomly browsing through the racks and there wasn’t anything that caught my attention. I have this weird tradition though, I would buy a jacket or sweater for myself every year because I have something weird going on with cover wear so this year, I spotted a really beautiful jacket in MNG that is wool knitted in black and white checks, beautiful zip details and diagonal front zipper. I was thinking to myself, should I or shouldn’t I until I saw a dress, very Grecian/Egyptian flowy cocktail dress with beautiful collar detail beading so I told the jacket to scram and off I took the dress into the fitting room. It was amazeballs beautiful exquisite to die for I felt like I wanna get married in that dress. The setback was, it costs RM169 of my blood, sweat, and tears.

Once I put it on, I went out of the fitting room to show Hugo and I saw the happy glint in his eyes. I was pretty! Well anyhoo, of course I didn’t buy the dress. If it was in rupiah I’d buy 10 of it and wear it everyday but sadly, I handed it back to the salesgirls and off I went home to play rummy to keep myself busy and here I am ogling at the dress, while thinking of my dad who would probably give me money to buy the dress.

Funny thing how my mum gave me money this morning, it wasn’t my “payday” yet and I’ve already received the ka-ching. Who knows it was an epiphany from my dad?

I’m going to sleep on this decision and see where my legs lead me tomorrow.

♥ Wendy

(I started this post upon the final hours of my dad, just a way of calming and documenting the experience that would change my life forever)

13th of december, 2009.

This date will be forever etched in my memory. I felt like I was in a bad nightmare, numerous times i have pinched myself hoping to be awaken but the bruise marks prove to be for real. I am trying very hard to deny the fact that I was about to lose my father right before I turn 21.

My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer or lung carcinoma in April this year, weeks before I was about to sit for my finals on my first semester as a bachelors student. Imagine how affected I was. His condition was stable in the first few months but I saw how drastic the changes were throughout the months. During the first few treatments, he lost his hair but he was still active. But nearing 4 months into the treatment, he had a change of treatment as the previous one was not strong enough therefore the doctors amp up the strength of the drugs. He begun to bloat, breathless but his hair grew back. He had this saying to his friends, “first treatment got breath but no hair, second treatment got hair but no breath”. It was during the second treatment where his conditioned worsened, my mum and I were told about how the cancer had spread to the brain and liver, where the carcinoma in the lung had metastasized to the brain and liver.

At pitch black 5.30am in the morning of 13th December, as I was about to wake up to prepare for the annual Starwalk, I heard a knock on my door while still unconscious in bed. I thought it was Hugo who was to pick me up for breakfast before heading for the walk, I unlocked my door and it was my mum.

She had been up the entire night as my dad’s health had worsened, he was extremely breathless and he couldn’t eat for days. He had been purging the entire night, it was a sign that his vital organs were deteriorating and he urged my mum to call up an ambulance. We were frantically searching for an ambulance to transport him as many ambulances were unavailable due to the Starwalk. The only alternative we had after a grueling hour was Pertahanan Awam, and they had to adhere to the procedure of admission to the General Hospital prior to the intended hospital.

It took a while before he was finally admitted to the Mount Miriam Hospital, the hospital that he had been seeking treatment from. He begun to suffer in catching his breath, his pulse would skyrocket and plunge down inconsistently and he was immobile. He was voiceless, breathless and he had to stutter to utter his words, so we resulted to using pen and paper for communication.

He was extremely restless throughout the whole day in the hospital and many people came to visit him, and at the same day after many years of being a churchgoer but never made it official as a Christian, my dad agreed to be baptized. He insisted my mum to join him, and he spoke clearly repeating what Reverend Dr. Yeoh Beng San said, he took all of his might and renounce his acceptance of Christianity. It was the clearest he ever spoke in days. I was obviously balling my eyes out at the moment but all I saw was a sick man in a calm state, ready to fight till the end. He had many visitors that day and soon after they left, he finally had time to sleep. I was speechless throughout the day, all I did was sat by his bedside gazing at him, feeling helpless as I cannot share what he is going through. I stayed by him all day and during the evening my mum and second brother went home for a quick breather and shower so it was only my dad and myself. I continued to sit by his bedside, lay my head beside his hand face down as I was silently crying, not wanting to disturb as throughout the almost 2 hour alone time with him, he slept well without any difficulties. He even put his hand on mine, rubbing his thumb on my hand before continuing to brush my hair gently. It felt exactly like how it was when I was younger, he would stroke my hair gently whenever I am asleep after finished reading a bedtime story.

I tried not to move so much so I sobbed as gently as I could, not wanting to startle him as tears were just gushing out because I know it is not his time yet and he gave me the “I’m not ready to leave yet” look in his eyes, I silently said in my heart that I am very unwilling to lose my dad but after living with him for 8 whole months in Penang, seeing his deterioration, I was telling him to let go, please don’t suffer anymore. So for those almost 2 hours, I had a silent “heart to heart” talk with my dad.

As the day goes by, after he woke up from his sleep, that’s when his condition worsened. He started to heat up, causing him to lose consciousness and breathlessness. He insisted for my mum to stay for the night with him. He was literally on his deathbed at that moment but he managed to hold on to the next day, which was also my 21st birthday.

As my brother and I were unable to stay with him, I went home to sleep, crying in my sleep. I had a bad feeling, it’s something that’s between father and child I guess. There’s just this hunch that something is about to happen. After barely sleeping through the night, I woke up feeling fresh hoping to celebrate my 21st birthday with my dad. I took a nice long shower, wore a nice top and off I went to the hospital to celebrate with my father. As I reached, I went into his room with a smile and he was just staring blankly at me with still eyes. I told him silently, “Dad, it’s my birthday today! I’m 21 today!” He continued to gasp for air in his oxygen mask, and he was so pale that I’d give up anything to be in his shoes. I didn’t want my dad to leave my mum, I know he wasn’t ready to. My mum told me that at 6 am-ish in the morning on the day my dad’s passing, he had told my mum that his heart was getting weaker, it is stopping.

The doctors were running in and out from the room for 2 hours and by then, his heartbeat, pulse, oxygen level was already deteriorating. His room now had to be barricaded through barrier nursing. He was losing consciousness and he asked for my mum but he couldn’t say it so I gave him pen and paper and he wrote “MUM”. I ran out to call my mum who was on the phone telling friends about my dad’s critical condition as many people were rushing up to Penang to see my dad. My mum, brother and I went into the room and I was holding his hand, he did not squeeze my hand for one bit.

I told him not leave me as he had yet to celebrate my birthday with me, it was not time to go sleep yet as we haven’t had cake, no dinner and he didn’t bring me out to buy me a birthday present like how he would when I was younger. I was yelling at him “dad you cannot be like this, it is my birthday and you are not to leave on the day when you should be celebrating with me”.

I could see he was fighting hard, his body gestures were of unwillingless to go, and his heartbeat, pulse and oxygen monitor was slowing down and I rushed out to get the doctors. They asked us to leave the room and I went to a silent corner to call Hugo, I told him “my dad does not want to celebrate my birthday with me, he wants to leave me already with buying me cake and presents”.

And while I was on the phone, 2 nurses came to me to tell me that my dad has moved on.

I felt like a part of me died. I was always daddy’s little girl, and he would be the one I snuck in bed with when I have nightmares, he would be the one I run to when I have things to complain, he would be the one to tell me to buy anything I want in the shop, he would carry my schoolbag into the car while I was having my breakfast before school, he would snuck in money into my wallet making sure I had enough, he would do so many things a daughter would always want a dad to do. He never nags, never shouts, never yells and never hits me.

I said I wanted to study in Penang after SPM and without hesitation he planned with my mum to bring me to KDU for registration. He knows I wanted to go abroad so badly but he told me, “I know you want to go overseas to study, I am doing the best that I can but for now you will have to bear with me as I have other responsibilities to handle”. I was more than happy to study in Penang and it was one of the best decisions I made in my life.

As I travel to college via public transportation, I have met a few disturbances and my dad soon bought me a car. It wasn’t a fancy car but it was just perfect. Before he drove the car up to Penang for me, he personally washed, polished, vacuumed and fixed the car which costed thousands before handling it to me.

As a child, I would follow him around for work as he would fetch me from schools. I would follow him to clinics, hospitals, pharmacies so many of his colleagues and friends recognized me during the memorial services. Many of them had been coming up to my house in Penang to see my dad, serving as great motivation for my dad. d

Last month I had my finals and I was very occupied with my studies, I have never been so motivated to study in such diligent manner as I got the laidbackness from my dad. I got a call from my college asking me to collect my results and now I couldn’t show him what I have achieved.

He had told my mum before that one of his unfulfilled wishes was to see me soar afterall he saw both my brothers graduate, have a career and start a family but for me, I am still a student, about to start up in life but he cannot make it to see me do all these things. He tried his best to fight the pain throughout these 8 months, and I saw the progression of him, how badly his arms were bruised due to consecutive drippings of intravenous, antibiotics and chemotherapy. I cried silently in my room for the past few months because my father is so ill.

It has been an eventful year for me, it was very painstaking and sad. I was dwelling with stress for the very much part of this year. I did my very best to assist my mum with my dad and I am glad to have bought him his favourite cheese cakes, young coconuts that he love so much and shop for him in the market for fresh fish. I am happy to be of service as a daughter, applying lotion for him everyday after he showers, making a cup of hot milo, preparing food for him, doing all the teeny tiny little things that I could to make him feel comfortable.

I am also happy to see the amount of friends who came to visit us at home ever so often, calling us daily for updates about my dad. I am forever grateful and proud of my dad who had such a strong impact in people’s lives. The amount of support that I saw with my own eyes made me envious, and I asked myself would I have such a presence like my dad’s?

During the last few days of my dad’s life, our family was so occupied with visitting friends that my dad was so put together, alertly responding to people, even had the energy to scold people. So many people cried upon hearing the news of my dad’s passing that he would be so happy to see that so many people came for him.

Before my dad was placed in the coffin, I played with his hair just how he liked it and I held his hand telling him that I am now 21 years old and thank you for sharing such a special date with me. You didn’t choose any random date to go, instead you gave me the best present ever that noone could give. You shared a happy occasion with my birthday, the day that you are finally free of pain with my birthday.

I know you are definitely resting in peace now after all the suffering you have went through, I am proud to be of service for you for the 8 months of your sick days. Please know that I am and always will be a daddy’s girl. I know you was so happy to finally have a daughter after 2 sons, I have so many proof in pictures of your adoration towards me. I am taking emptiness of your presence hardly as my younger memories of you are still fresh. I am also taking over your “wanton making” habit currently, the tissues I bought for you to spit in is now used by me. I know you don’t want to see me cry but I can’t help it, I’ll be better in time.

For now you are no longer in pain, but it is a shame you have to leave in illness, I have always wished for my parents to leave peacefully of old age. I know you have been reading my blog all the while to keep updated with what’s going in my head, I am sorry for being absent in blogging for the past few months because I felt that with you and mum here living with me, blogging is unnecessary. I was very touched when I once wrote about not having enough allowance but dare not ask for more, you banked in rm 300 and sent me a message to inform me. Later on you continued to grill me about why not asking you and you continued to notify me every month when you banked in my allowance. Even when you were sick, you kept asking me frequently whether I had enough money and asked for mum to give me. But now Hugo took over your habit, he now sneaks into my wallet to stuff in money after he checks that I have not much left.

Throughout your memorial services, I have met many of your friends who have nothing but high praises and kind words of you. They are touched and amazed by how noble you are as a husband and a father, willing to ditch friends in order to accompany mum who has arthritis and for me, when I had chickenpox.

I hope you loved the bouquet of flowers I made for you from the many flower arrangements that friends have sent for you.

I have been missing you for the past 4 days and I have been standing by you telling you how I have been feeling, telling you things that I couldn’t say it out loud because I was too shy and I took many photos of your “big party” to remind me of how great of a man you are. Thank you dad, I hope to have you as a father for many many many of my lifes to come as having you for exactly 21 years is not enough, it is too short of a time. I won’t stop crying for you, afterall I am the crybaby of the house and I will not stop running to you when I am crying.

♥ Wendy

For these past few weeks, I have been occupied with nothing but family. It’s not a bad thing actually, I like having “too much” of family, I don’t get to have it often especially when I am busy with attending classes so now I have one month dedicated just for family, it is very tiring and stressful but I’m glad. But on certain “difficult” days with my mum, that’s another story la.

My mum and I have been frolicking to the hospital every single day for the past 2 weeks, we’re holding it there albeit being extremely exhausted, mentally and physically. Seriously to see your husband and your dad being so weak and fragile isn’t exactly something easy. I was trying hard not to cry whenever I am there, so I had my blank face on. Both of us would be there with him for breakfast, lunch and dinner with in between breaks for errands and to freshen up. Thankfully we live near the hospital.

We’re trying our best to accommodate him however we can, as he can’t walk as much already so we loaned a wheelchair from the hospital to transport him from the apartment to the car then within the hospital. And he has to rely on the oxygen concentrator as he is constantly breathless. I mean I don’t blame my brothers for their absence, they have their obligations and life so it’s just my mum and I to take care of things. I am fortunate to be on a break now and I am seriously considering taking a break from studies to focus on family because I am very much needed now at home, plus my school fees aren’t going to be an ease either.

During one of the days while my mum and I were at the hospital, one of the medical officer pulled us out of the room to have a talk. She was basically informing us on the condition of my dad. Well, the confirmation was that my dad have no chance of a full recovery as the cancer has spread to his liver, and there’s a brain tumor growth. I was basically looking down at my shoes while hearing this, my heart just sank like a rock. My mum was holding it together with teary eyes, holding it together as usual and when we got back into the room, I just put on my usual blank face to mask my emotions while my mum lied she had a noseblock caused by my cat’s fur.

Friends have been offering support and help, my brother’s Perdana which is totally idle at the moment has been taken back to Ipoh by my dad’s ex staff to sell it off. The car is totally underused and a waste of money at the moment. For the past 2 weeks, many people have came to visit and I saw my dad putting his best “face” forward, he was trying to look less lethargic, more vocal and active as compared to everyday where I just see him laying in bed, moving as less as he could. Plus my mum is making “contingency” plans which is so not my topic to talk about, I almost crashed the car while driving where the other 5 people in the car were talking about the “contingency” plan.

Honestly, I don’t know whether to be mad, sad, angry or depressed.

I am feeling a little of everything now. I am mad because my dad was in denial for so many years, never went for a full body check up for 53 years of his life, and finally when he is forced to it, he is diagnosed with Stage 3 lung cancer.

I am sad because I don’t think the thought of my parents leaving me would be now, it should be a thought when I am 25 years older, when I am a middle aged women dealing with adolescence and anti-aging, not when I’m still an undergraduate who only has one boyfriend up to date, who doesn’t have a career, dealing with pimples and studies. I don’t want this thought to come so soon, I am not ready!

I am angry because he never opens up to anybody, he keeps everything to himself hence earning himself the moniker “Blue Boy”. I have so many things to tell him but I don’t have the urge to open up. I want to tell him to stay strong because I want him to be there when I graduate my degree, see me go to work and earn my first pay check, see me get engaged, see me buy my own house, see my children, so many things that I want him to be here for.

I am depressed (like duh how am I not to be depressed with everything that’s been happening?), like seriously the lack of family support is very saddening. My brothers made the effort to be in Penang with my dad but so what? It’s like they are here just to be here. I’m not going to continue talking about this, but sendiri tahu la how we stand.

For the past few days, my mornings starts at 8am where I get dressed and pack my essentials. I lay down the platform at my apartment door so that I can roll my dad in the wheelchair down, get him into the car and off to the hospital for radiotherapy. The radiotherapy only lasts for about 3 minutes, and I got the chance to see my dad under the machine yesterday. He was placed on a platform, laid down with marks on his chest to indicate the area for radiotherapy. It was very cold in there and I saw him shivering, there were several red laser lights on his chest and we were ushered out by Auntie Heng, who’s Si Gavin’s mum who works as a Senior Aide in the Radiotherapy department of the hospital. She took my mum and I from the radiotherapy room to the operator’s monitor whereby I saw how the machine was operated with all sorts of data and a surveillance video of my dad under radiotherapy.

It was very hard to see that, I really wish God could take 20 years of my life to make my dad better. I really wish such things could happen. I want to see him leave peacefully as a happy old old old man. Not like this.

My mum and I have been trying out best to accommodate and help, but really we are helpless.

♥ Wendy

It’s been 4 days since my dad has been warded, and the best word to describe today would be bizarre.

Why so? Apart from the sleepless nights I’ve been having, surprisingly there were no nightmares at the time when I was finally asleep. I slept like a baby albeit the initial struggle at first, there were so many things going on in my mind, what could have been, what ought to be, how it should be, why is it as such. All these stress is taking a toll on me, I feel like a 50 year old trapped in a soon to be 21 year old body.

Thoughts kept running through my mind and I wouldn’t let myself at ease but yet I was still holding up, I am near to the point of breaking down but somehow I am still not overwhelmed. I woke up as usual today, I lazed in front of the television for a bit before preparing to leave for the hospital to visit my dad and my mum who left earlier in the morning.

I couldn’t help but to think of turning back while driving to the hospital, I was scared to enter. I didn’t want to see my dad lying in bed, breathing on oxygen support and seeing my mum holding it together. It was very hard for me. Good thing for today, there were friends from Ipoh who came to visit so it wasn’t that hard to put on a brave face with people distracting you.

So we were there just hanging out with my dad, and my dad has been making slight progresses these few days. He talks clearer now and he seems more livelier, the bad part was seeing him being so swollen because of the medication and drugs.

I took the gang out for lunch at Tanjung Bungah at a Malay food court. As usual the food was good and fairly cheap, everyone had a plate of rice with a piece of chicken either fried or asam black sauce, with a giant curry fish head plus drinks, the bill was RM50 for six people. But over lunch, I didn’t taste the food as much, I was merely eating to fuel myself, plus the conversation among us weren’t exactly lunch friendly. We were talking about will writings, particularly for my dad’s case, ownership transfers of cars, properties and shares, prospective “resting” places, “contingency” plans in case “something” were to happen. All those topics were exactly the things I’ve been fearing since years ago.

I have been thinking to myself about  five to six years ago, what would happen if? How am I to react if? And honestly, I feel I am too young to be burdened with all these thoughts, but it came too fast too soon. I am not even started on my path yet, just touching the starting point and somehow the bomb just dropped and it went kaboom.

I am not prepared for anything yet, and I know many people who face the same conundrum would think how unfair this is but truth is, there’s nothing I can do. All I can offer is moral support, do whatever I can on the sidelines, the most important thing lies within my dad; the willpower to survive. I am so not ready to lose any of my family members yet, particularly my parents. They have not seen me graduate, they have not seen me get engaged, get married, have babies, work and bring home the money, taking them for vacations, giving them a comfortable home to retire in and all those sort of things that I should give back. I need that chance to payback.

After lunch, as I was driving them back to my house to pick up some stuffs, there were three dogs frolicking around by the road and it was a very busy road, suddenly those three dogs ran onto the road while playing chase. The vehicle in front of me was a lorry and the three dogs ran in front of the lorry, the first two dogs managed to avoid the rolling lorry but the third dog.

The third dog got confused, it ran in between the front and back tires of the lorry and the back tires rolled on its body. And this happened right in front of my freakin’ face, in front of my car. I totally braked and as I was already moving slow due to the slow traffic. The dog collapsed immediately in front of me, it was shaking as though it was having a seizure and then it started to vomit blood. And then it just stopped moving. All these happened within 20 seconds fast, I had my hazard lights on, I was prepared to go down the car till I was stopped by everyone in the car who forced me to drive on.

I was just stunned, overwhelmed, shocked as I saw the lorry speeding away urgently after rolling over the dog. I tried to maintain my calm in driving as I had four other people in the car so I tried not being too emotional. I was close to bawling out tears but I held it back, I was imagining how it would if it were to happen to any of my dogs or cats. It was very bizarre.

How I felt with the dog was exactly how I felt with my dad. I felt helpless. All I can do is look out and see what I can help in small matters, I have no ability to save lives or cure. I felt useless and weak, I can’t do anything.

Today was just a bizarre, bizarre, bizarre day. It’s getting too much for me to handle. What’s the point of having people zooming back just to do nothing?

? Wendy