I’ve been feeling a sense of calm these few days, I do things at my own pace, at my own discretion in the expense of the dissatisfaction of others. You know what, to be following other people’s pace, I had enough of that. Just because you do things a certain way, doesn’t make me the same.

Ever since the holiday started, I have been doing some sideline jobs just to fill up some time. I’ve been working with one of my professors on a project called GMMP which stands for Global Media Monitoring Project. It centralizes around the  unrepresented issues of women in the media, it kept me going all this while.

There are no getaways planned for this year end, the only events that’s probably worth highlighting were the recent Penang Bridge International Marathon and the upcoming Starwalk. That’s about how interesting my holiday is, other than that it’s going to be just watching Gilmore Girls or slaving on the movie channels away. I’m liking it, I get to be a bum and stay at home and not running out for meetings and work. Plus the holiday mood isn’t ever present either, plus I’m a little short in cash now. So it’s just stay at home holiday for me.

For the past few days, my family has been making trips to the hospital as my dad is currently warded. He has a tumor growth on his collarbone that seems to be blocking his breathing, possibly the trachea. So after many observations by the doctor, my dad will be undergoing radiotherapy for the tumor. And for these few days I have been reluctant to go to the hospital, and what it seemed to my mum is that I was too lazy or couldn’t care less but truth to be told, I’m not a hospital person. I hate going to hospitals, I despise it. Because it’s such a place of suffering, hurt and pain. I hate seeing patients lying helplessly on the bed and especially seeing my dad breathing on the oxygen mask.

It’s funny how when I compared myself at present to the person I was exactly a year ago at this time. A year ago, I was at my highest high as I just got back from KL, finished my internship with JUICE magazine and finally I had time to do whatever I wanted back home. But a year later, I am at my lowest low, constantly in a state of depression, thinking and thinking and thinking about what could’ve been. There’s all these things vented inside of me, that people who seemed to care are too self centered to listen.

You can say I have noone to turn to but myself, I don’t trust anyone to talk now.

♥ Wendy

Well, pardon me for my absence. 4 months in exact. I almost forgot how to blog!

I did not deliberately abandon this abode of mine for no reason, I just had my focus on things that matter more than just writing my diary. It has been a very very very stressful few months for me, and alot of factors came in for that. Studies was my main concern of course, secondly was of course my dad and other things would be like how Hugo would totally diss me for technology and not having a stand as a man. Seriously? Mama’s boy.

For starters, I’ve finished my second semester in uni as well as my final year! So the next time I start I’ll be a final year student. I must say I’m pretty confident with my performance in the recent semester, one thing’s for sure I have definitely stepped up a notch on my efforts as well as my time management. Other than being occupied with assignments and meeting deadlines, I’ve been busy helping out with the family in many ways that I can. I do house chores whenever I can and being the spokesperson for my family when I stumble upon friends and acquaintances of the family. It doesn’t sound much like a job but seriously, it’s not easy to juggle studies and family.

As I am away most of the weekdays for class, most of the house work is left to my mum and obviously she wouldn’t wait until I return in the evening to do anything. So most of the time I got burned for not doing anything at home, and trust me justifying it to my mum is utterly useless. I’m glad December’s here, although this year totally passed by so fast. I’m just glad that now I have one less commitment towards my studies, temporarily of course. So now I have more time for myself and family. I forgot how was it like to hang out with friends, talk and do nothing that is remotely beneficial until yesterday where after months of abstinence I’ve finally sung in a karaoke lounge, ventured to the arcade just to waste money. It was fun!

And in whim, it’s been 8 months since my parents moved up to Penang. I forgot how was it like to live alone in this apartment, in a way I miss my private space, the kitchen especially. Prior to my parent’s move, I would wake up in the morning, go for a brisk walk to Gurney Drive before adjourning to the market to buy stuffs to cook for dinner. I miss preparing ingredients for the slow cooker, purchasing poultry and vegetables for stir frying but I guess for now it’s a job better suited for my mum. What she doesn’t know is when she cooks, I indirectly observe her to get some tips for my cooking skills.

Throughout this year, my responsibility at home grew and I’m liking it. My parents are dependable on me for running errands, doing official documenting and handling their businesses. Now it’s not just all about my brothers anymore, and heck my brothers aren’t even around enough so perhaps that’s why I became the errand girl but nevertheless I’m happy to be of help instead of being the one always left at home to do nothing but sit by the sidelines.

The prospect of turning 21 on the 14th isn’t that daunting anymore, and I don’t expect any presents. I have everything I needed from people who cares. My parents gave me a “new” car as opposed to my initial car which was sold off to my Ipoh neighbour, they made me able to pursue higher education, they gave me 2 credit cards for careful and emergency perusal, they renovated the entire apartment and my room is totally perfect now, and most importantly my family is more tight knit than ever. Other than that, I got a Coach bag, a camera, a holiday trip and another upcoming one next year and many more to come. So I guess it’ll be a tad greedy for me to ask for a birthday present.

I’m very contented; and all I’m asking for are things that money can’t buy. I want my dad to be hip and healthy again, no more depending on the oxygen concentrator, no more taking medicine at 8am and 8pm every single day, no more confinement in the house and laying in bed all day long.

♥ Wendy

I am not sorry for writing my previous post, in fact I felt a whole better. Fast forward to less than two weeks from now, I have two term papers to be handed in for which I have zero percent of my essays constructed and realized. I can’t explain the laidbackness,  akin to how my current life routine is.

People have said and commented on what an anti-social I have been, how boring is my life, why and how I can manage such a lifeless life, but I beg to differ. As much as I don’t socialize anymore, I’m quite happy at my current state. I spend more time with my books, my music, my parents and my two furballs which is contenting.

Notice the absence of I spend more time with Hugo in the latter sentence, truth to be told I haven’t been seeing my so called boyfriend for quite some time let alone talking to him. Apparently he has been sucked into the vortex of toil that he has neglected me. I’m fine that he’s busy with his work, I understand because I myself am busy with my studies as well, so there goes the lack of communication there BUT, yes a but is always there.

But, when I am the one who’s currently having a period; full of hormonal rage and change, with additional strain from my quest for earning that piece of paper that they call a degree plus my equally full of hormonal rage and change of a mother, he is the one who’s throwing tantrums around while I’m the one who goes all the way with “Yes dear”, “Don’t stress dear”, “Take care, chill” and whatever crap I can say to comfort him. Responding with total pessimism and downbeat replies, my mood in the conversation went from fine to just pure annoyance.

I was at a point where I had to ask the essential question of  “what the fuck is wrong with you, if you have a problem you can just tell me”. His reply was, “Nevermind, ignore me”.

WTF?

Sigh, the amount of sighs I sighed because of this is so staggering. Could this be a sign that this relationship has run its course? It feels like so, I don’t know. The timing he chooses to strike a conversation with me is always bad, he would always call me during dinner time which obviously I am having my dinner whereby I have to rush to answer the phone, or if I couldn’t answer his calls he would send me stern messages with proper spelled english like “call me when you are not busy thanks”.

Honestly, this stress is totally unnecessary but what to do, humans are complicated by nature.

On a good note, I got my credit cards today! Nothing to brag about la, just that it feels so surreal that I have my very own plastics.

Another thing, my dad and I talked about how life has been lately, I can see that he feels very thankful for having his colleagues and ex-staffs like Sindy, Ming and all the people from his company being so supportive and caring. He seems pretty happy lately too, with the occasional sneers from my mum that he’s being all dramatic about his sickness.

♥ Wendy

I’m guessing I should titled it as end of the month, new post instead. Crap I’m making a habit of updating once a month, well that’s how unwilling I am to write anyways. I don’t attend any events anymore, I have no hangouts anymore, all my outings and dates are cut short because some certain one eyed troll will whine and cry about going home early to sleep and rest more, which is nothing that happened at the end where he will end up sitting in front of the computer for 3 hours straight before cutting the power off and head to bed. Bah humbug.

Well this post is going to be something like a excerpt of my life; and it’s mostly about complains (bitching if you want a literal meaning) and also, what I have seen, heard and not want to be.

Life has been nothing but full of annoyances lately, from rough working schedules to unprofessional partners and the hoo’s and haa’s of the Merdeka celebration. I have been extremely occupied between juggling classes, trying my very best to accomodate my parents here, maintaining some sort of social life that I have or lack thereof, and at the end giving myself some time to breathe.

I am doing well with my studies at the moment, it is pretty on track as far as I know and thus my social life went down the drain. I honestly lost the last memory of myself happily hanging out aimlessly and doing nothing. Not that my life is not interesting enough, the amount of entertainment I get from classes everyday is ample for my daily dose of intelligence loss but it is definitely good. Plus I have my two fur balls at home with me, they never cease to make me smile everyday. When they say kid says the darnedest things, I say pet cats do the darnedest things.

Stress is pretty much a word that haunts me for now and everyday. Yea I know I’m not the oldest in the house thus making me seemingly naive and immature but that does not mean I need to be treated like I am a child, which obviously I am not. It just seems so fake how some certain sibling would be doing all sorts of things to show filial piety, and the childishness that reeks within the house is just so, hair raising. I thought I have seen enough of it in college but no, it goes beyond and into the house.

What I have learned from observing the ongoing of the family is, my siblings taught me one very serious thing. Never ever be like them. Not that they were bad or unfilial, but they are very dependent on my parents and promises made were never kept. Many things they have said, but it was just all say and boasts. I am so sick and tired of hearing my parents complain and yet they still willingly and wholeheartedly go head over heels in helping them. Yea I know it’s parental love and support but sometimes, but I have made a vow, once I start earning my own money I am going to start an account funding it with money for my parents. So yea, I’m pretty motivated to finish my studies and start off something new. What my parents did to initiate my kickstart in life; my studies, the family car and the upbringing, I have promised to pay them back. It’s not all just monetary, I have sort of a plan of how I will arrange for them to live in the future.

Nevermind the obvious favoritism game playing within the family, I’m fine with it. So what if a brother favors the other right? I never grew up with both of you so it’s alright to be ousted, I’m happier living like that anyway. I don’t like feeling like I am an obligation that should be acknowledged. You have your life, I have mine and I think you are independent enough to live on your own, why demand your ill father and optimistic mother to pay for your wedding dinner when you have one whole freakin’ year to save up. Furthermore demanding they pay extra to your wife, isn’t that too much when my mum already gave a redpacket and also gold jewelery? Sigh, you might think I’m being bitchy to complain and backstab or whatever, but I’m just saying what I think.  Just think of what I have said and think for yourself. Buying new bags and shoes for the wife is all in a day’s work, but giving at least 50 bucks for the parents as a token is so hard. I have learnt so much from observing all these things, and having the nerve to ask my mum to pay for dinner with the excuse “I’ve used a lot of money for my trip up to Penang so you pay for dinner alright, spending money is like an open water tap”. Double sigh. In the wise words of my dad, if you always complain about coming up to Penang because it requires a lot of spending, then don’t. Easy, save money, kautim!

I got teary eyed few weeks back when I saw photos of my dad back when he was well, his hair was black with streaks of silverish grey, his facial expression was cheery and jolly, his skin was smooth and wrinkly here and there but nevertheless he had the healthy glow. Seeing him now, with the hair loss from chemotherapy, dull tired looking skin, frail and breathless, it makes me realize how fragile a human is. He can’t brisk walk for long or else he will be out of breath, that’s how bad his lungs are, it totally collapsed on one side. He even needs an oxygen concentrator to support breathing thus he wears the tube around the house when he needs it. Thankfully, his friends and colleagues donated money and the oxygen concentrator which would cost at least 5k for a decent one.  In total, 10k was given to my dad by his friends and colleague, plus they’re constant support and visits towards my dad really made him felt so much better. I really agree to what my mum said to me once, “Sometimes friends are much better than family”. Not that I mean it in a cynical way, but it’s so true to what is happening now.

I know I’m surfing on treacherous waters but I honestly don’t care, I’ve had enough seeing all these things happening and I just feel so angry for my parents, yes their mouth is indeed bitter but they willingly let it go. Sigh, it’s love and hate indeed. But who’s the one at the receiving end of the bitterness, Yours truly! Feel my pain and sorrow.

It might be a long weekend of a holiday for me but I did not enjoy any bit of it. Firstly was the noises and crowd in the house, I’m never a person for crowds, it gives me a whiplash and migraine so that explains why I was never in a concert. Even my poor two cats had to seek cover in my room to avoid the noise and people within my house. Poor Jamie and Lim Ah Meow. Already the small house is filled with 70% of items moved up from Ipoh, and numerous stuffs and junk everywhere that my mum ceases to dispose, add 12 more humans roaming the house and it’s a warzone. I had no place to sit, or stand without blocking anyone’s passageway, plus the constant laughs and screams made it worse although I hope my relatives who came up for a visit had a great time despite the freakin’ jam in Penang.

Secondly was, I really needed the class time so that my team could sit down and get some lowdown done because, discussing work online is pure bullshit. With another day of holiday coming up in a week and the Raya holidays, all I can say is oh dear and oh no. The agony of being on holidays and not able to enjoy it!

For the (probably) first time, I am not loving the holidays. But I am geared up to chargeeeeee! On another note, I’m also geared up for a change! Now that my life is totally changed; the no clubbing, no hangout, no 24 hours online , everyday sleep at 11pm (the latest) and spends only around 200bucks per month thus saving 100bucks kinda life, I am gearing up to go for braces. Well not that my teeth is bad, but I would love to have a set of straight teeth minus the rabbit teeth. So, I have set a braces fund for myself and so far I have 500bucks in, which is not bad considering I allot 100bucks for the fund every month.

I might not be working yet but already I’m thinking of saving up to buy my own house, my own car, countless trips, as well as seeing my bank account grow real fat. Hehe, as well as having a decent house with a super kitchen full of Kitchen Aid appliances, stainless steel kitchen with granite table tops and all that luxury. It’s a dream now but I’m gonna make sure I realize it, one step at a time!

♥ Wendy

Despite the brashness of my previous post, I make no apologies regarding the anger I vented.

I’m glad to be attending classes again, though the semester break was rather short although it was 2  whole months. It was gone just like that. However, I’m pleased with my performance, knowing that I could do better which I vowed to starting this semester. Also noticing that the system is entirely different to the one I was familiar with.

Already in the third week of the semester, the intensity compared to the previous semester is times two. Not only having spent more than RM100 just for photocopying readings, I also felt the need for discipline and motivation to juggle everything that has been going on.

I returned home from class earlier, and while I was doing my usual routines on my laptop, my dad came in and sat next to me. The first thing he asked me was, how was I coping with my studies since he saw me religiously drilling on my readings every night before I sleep.

I said, I’m fine doing pretty okay although the amount of readings that’s thrown at me is staggering.  He asked my mum to give me a RM100 so that I would not have to fork out my own money. He then asked, how much is my fees per semester. I answered, about six thousand. Then he continued to reply with, my medical bills would have cost me a bomb as my chemotherapy costs five thousand per session, but since I am under the study program, we have money to spare. All my medicine, CT scans is all paid for.

The first thing in my mind was, the feeling of guilt for spending the money of my ill father as he is using his own money to foot for his illness. I admit, all of my life I have been dependent on my parents for money and although we are not wealthy, I was very well provided for. And as I grew, I began to see things in a simpler way; that my brash for that Coach bag or the itch for that cute dress is gone. I don’t see clothes, bags and shoes as I used to anymore, to me it is just things on the surface.

My father continued to tell me, I have been doing some calculations that if anything should happen, we would have to sell the Ipoh house as I won’t have your mother living there alone by herself while you are in Penang. In that way, we would have quite a chunk of money for safekeeping. Then he asked me how many semesters left for me to graduate. I replied with a two, and he calculated, two semesters equals twelve thousand, yea we have money to spare. I instantly started tearing up. Then he continued to say, I have never been frugal with you or your brother’s education. Whatever you guys wanted to pursue, I would gladly support.

To date, my parents have paid almost fourty thousand ringgit for my education, if I were to pursue my degree abroad, it will probably triple the amount. At least.

Seriously, as envy as I am towards my friends who are studying abroad, I’m happy to be stuck here in Penang with my family. I have a loud-outspoken-hardheaded mum, a softspoken-listener-cincai dad and two furry hairballs roaming in the house with me.

My dad continued to tell me about his views of how three of us responded to the occurrence of his illness. Which I will not disclose here for private reasons, after all I know people who reads my blog loves to telltale. But my dad and I know who’s good to us, who’s just plainly fake and who’s afraid that my dad would be asking them for money.

My mum has been a good kind soul ever since the debacle mentioned in the previous post, she is a lot calmer, and she listens to people before making judgments. Which is good, although she still does give everyone the occasional whiplash. And she learnt to see things from another view, which is good because she is sort of the person who believes everything revolves around her.

My dad on the other hand, have been well. There’s the usual side effects of chemo; loss of hair, muscle aches, poor resistance to cold temperatures but he never had a loss of appetite, getting his fixes of nasi kandar, laksa, and his daily dose of fishmeat. To date, he has gained three kilos. He is currently continuing his treatments, under another study program which is also free. If he were to pay for his treatments, by now he would’ve spent more than thirty thousand alone just for treatments, not inclusive of scans and overnighting at the hospital. Many thanks to Mount Miriam Cancer Hospital for being such a savior.

Although my dad is sick, many good things came from it. Friends have been showing extensive support, with cards, gifts, calls as well as coming up all the way to Penang with gifts to visit my dad. We get to lessen the family burden by selling off my old Charade to my Ipoh neighbour whereby I inherited the Kenari and I even earned a credit card, this personally for me, marks the independence and trust I gained from my parents. And I know I will not be spending aimlessly, I’m more of a cash person.

I know this has become a really personal blog, but I still will keep it public as who knows any readers out there could relate to whatever I’m experiencing. And if it wasn’t for my dad, I wouldn’t have written this post.

♥ Wendy